This past Spring was crazy with pollen! I dunno what all the trees were thinking when they all decided to jerk off at the same time. Even the inside of my dorm near the windows was covered with a light dusting of plant semen.
If you still don't get this, imagine you have your keys but your house is missing, and in its place is a giant blue wall. Seriously, where the hell did it go? Your key is pretty much as useful as a pancake made of fiberglass shards.
On a good day I rock the Metro.
Meet Catface - the beacon of misfortune.
I once knew a guy who took a shower and found small pebbles in his hair. Apparently Jew curls have a strong gravitational field.
For those of you who haven't heard of it, check out the Uberman's Sleep Schedule. I recommend it if and only if you are 1) Unemployed, and 2) Extremely stupid.
I've also heard that 9 out of 10 houseflies prefer corpses over feces any day.
At least the in-game mints are easy to build. Also, any game that doesn't have a jetpack isn't worth playing.
JUST SAYIN'.
There is no problem that cannot be solved through the proper application of explosives.
It's too bad that the Source engine doesn't let you grab yourself. Although I suppose you would run into trouble when you re-position a portal while still grabbing your leg... you'd probably end up with what looks like a haphazard sorting algorithm applied to the human body.
True story.
This happened to me last week at my job. I never thought I'd get paid to beat the shit out of my co-worker's keyboard.
Honestly, I find the whole argument over building a mosque near Ground Zero pretty trivial. I would object to building nearly /anything/ on top of what is now a memorial, but the plans for the mosque emphasize building it two blocks away, and there should be nothing wrong with that. It's silly, guys. It's so silly. Sorry for the weaksauce update today. Now that I'm back in class I need to budget more of my time to homework and studying and all that crap. I'll still update every weekday, but in order to keep my sanity I may need to pop out a one-paneler every now and then. See you tomorrow!
The definition of post-postmodernism is so vague that even Wikipedia is all like, " it's, uh... erm.... here's what some other people have said." as if plain ol' postmodernism isn't weird enough....
If I had a dollar for each time I've been late to work because of this, I'd... well, I'd get paid a lot more. I'm also too much of a pussy to shove the cat off my clothing. Pun intended.
That's all for this week. If all goes well, SoTI will be updated at 12:00AM Monday - Friday.
Oh, before I forget: I'm buying a Wacom tablet! This means I can pop out better artwork more often as far as my skills will let me. Drawing with vectors sucks bigtime.
See you Monday!
When you're 13, they're the coolest things ever. Then you grow to realize how horribly, horribly wrong you were.
*EDIT*OH MY GOD HOW DID SHE GROW HAIR SO FAST???
This is what happens when I spend too much time doing stuff I'm supposed to be doing. Like all of your female relatives.
'DOES IT GIVE GOOD SEX???'
Sometimes I wish the labels on drinks actually affected you as they advertised. Just sayin', Nitrous Monster Anti Gravity would be awesome.
Try to avoid getting hugs from women with implants. If placed incorrectly, they can deliver a pretty effective Heimlich.
It saddens me a little to know that this is the only reason I have a job.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, 1983 was the year the Apple Lisa was released.
This doesn't work very well in existentialism classes.
"I reject your reality and substitute my own."
At least, you know, until I find something wrong with it.
Woohoo religion comic go hate me.
Little known fact: Jesus' original followers were all midgets.
Probably a bad choice of words.
That's all for this week! See you Monday!
I really need to start inventing that monitor....
'We require more glowsti--I mean, minerals....'
Tonight's menu: Things I found under the fridge; Last week's compost; Human feces
The convenience store at my school sells 3-packs of condoms for $3.33 apiece. CLEARLY this is the work of the Devil.
Death awaits in either stall. One is less crappy.
GET IT? GET IT?
I'm often tempted to make a couple hundred printouts of a flyer that says, " free firestarting material" and hand them out forcefully.
'We're all very impressed. Now put your clothes on.'
Breaking news: Steve Jobs can't decide between big and small!
There is little to no point in this comic. Enjoy the carnage.
Yes, that laser is extremely necessary.
YEAAAAAAAAH PENIS JOKE! Going to bed now. See you tomorrow!
This applies to Mao Tse-Tung, Stalin, Pol Pot, Kim Il Sung, Hideki Tojo, Ismail Enver...
Also, what a great friend Mr. Orange Shirt Guy is. Keep that in mind: people who wear orange shirts will take no action to help when you get fucked over. Avoid orange shirt people at all costs.
"Now I really have split-personality disorder!"
Now translated in over 200 languages!
Java is my crack.
asdfadadfadfasdfadfsafd
If you live on the coast, this is a great way to score a few free beers.
" sorry dude, i can't piss on your leg until my bac is higher, hint, hint."
They're also a close relative to the comma.
'I don't know what you were doing, but you sure as hell deserve this fate.'
Turf finished the season with 154 interceptions, 88 receptions, 41 receiving touchdowns, 32 receiving fumbles, 0 receiving yards, and 0 sacks.
...make s'mores.
'Stop taunting me with U+2620!'
Insult after injury.
Good luck writing your notes all over a klein bottle.
As far as I know, there's no good detergent for getting Ditto stains off your shirt.
'Zor' is also an acceptable pronunciation.
It helps to imagine how it would feel to be anally violated by a cinderblock.
Alternate ending: FATALITY!
It's even more effective around inebriated people.
It totally works this way. Totally. Also, HF totally doesn't dissolve glass...Totally.
Thank you, Allie Brosh from Hyperbole and a Half for my new favorite phrase, 'all the things.'
Hey Rugby, do you get to fly? Didn't think so!
A hearty thank-you to Tylor Mansur for his submission!
AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Is it illegal if he said I could do it before he died?
It all started going downhill when I suggested to my boss, " let's install linux!"
This also provides a reasonable argument for cannibalism.
For the slightly more scarring version, replace 'felt' with 'touched.'
The series returns!
Guys, I'm so supereffingtired that I'm surprised I actually managed to get this one out tonight. Remind me to get some sleep, mkay?
Limbo is a lot like Calvinball.
THING SUPERIOR.
Happy 5th of November. Don't blow anything too big up.
'Once I can figure out the 3-D part, all I have to do is figure out how to turn this cube into a sphere! Wait... Shit.'
Lesson learned: Talk about your sister. A lot.
Hate to break it to you guys, but cats purr almost all the time, even when they're severely injured. I take no reponsibility for those who bludgeon their cats while experimenting with this fact.
The problem of safety on the Internet isn't in security, but rather in the obnoxious tendency to want to be everyone's friend at once.
The other karma comes in the form of ants in your underwear.
Repeat 8 times or until graduation is delayed.
'Several bruises and a cracked rib later, and I've learned that yes, it does hurt more the higher you fall.'
I'm pulling a Randall Munroe today and giving you a rendition of something I sketched in one of my notebooks in about five minutes. While there's no major illness in my family, I am completely overwhelmed with schoolwork, and this is my fallback. That's my excuse. But seriously, go give the legendary creator of XKCD some love; he could really use it.
Two birds, one stone.
You might be in the rape zone when 1) you finished 20 minutes before everyone else, or 2) you're the only one who thought it was " easy."
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his mouth, and subsequently, his stomach.
For more fun, teach everyone to adopt your style of notation.
Unfortunately, knives have only gotten less hardcore through the ages.
Alternate punchline: stop reading at frame 2.
It's not taking, it's receiving without permission.
I figured it reflects your life fairly accurately.
Ain't it a bitch?
What are you complaining about? It's a great movie!
'Also, you're standing in your food.'
'My weight is off the charts!'
'Douchebaggery' /is/ a word, thank you very much.
A note to those of you in the CS field: don't restart your project the day before it's due. Trust me. Bad idea.
Don't cry! I also got you a to-scale model of the car!
My totem is a bed. If I fall asleep in it, I know that I'm... *yawn* I'm... uh... *zzzzzzz*
'The good news is, rhinoviruses can't survive in high pressure environments.'
cat quine.cpp; Problem?
Shoulda taken a caffeine pill
To get around this, check to see if they sanitized for hammers.
Cookies?
See, the joke is, there _isn't_ a joke!
Since you are what you eat, were they technically eating vegan?
Exp Share. Kay?
I know you're trying to kill me, but you're SO FUCKING CUTE!
'Do not mistake temptation for opportunity... in bed... with corpses.'
The proportions of alcohol remain the same. Enjoy your evening.
Penis jokes performed by persons of age 20 or older are illegal in 27 different countries, and punishable by death in four.
It's just as good going down as it was coming up as it was going down.
Two days is a new record. Something tells me I'm not an adult yet.
Fuck it, good enough.
You can't go wrong with pancakes covered in bacon.
free(boyfriend)
'Lemme guess, non-refundable tickets?'
[Insert blue balls joke here]
Double whammy.
'We'd give you a severance package, but it's the same amount as 14 staplers. Ain't karma a bitch?'
This man can double fist some serious drinks. Some BALLSY drinks, I might even say.
It's like learning to draw blindfolded, only you get to see your disaster as you create it.
A more descriptive title would be 'unfortunate convenience.'
Get it? It's funny because iron and... God damn I hate myself.
What? There's a SECOND generation of pokemon???
See, the real irony is that this has nothing to do with irony.
...or is that even ironic?
He's also invisible when viewed from the side.
Finally, authentic irony. Enjoy your federal holiday.
Oh, and happy belated birthday, Dr. King.
Best way ever to pick up chicks. I promise.
...she killed this joke.
It's relative.
Personal record: 8.53 seconds.
See, I just hide the source code so you can't see me calling you a
...and if you don't get a tax refund, it maxes out the volume and screams obscenities.
It's subjective, bitches.
If this isn't already invented, I call dibs on the patent.
She'd love my morning wood.
Feeling horribly unoriginal today, hence the XKCD reference. Don't hate, I'm just having a crap day. Next week there will be originality. You have my wood. I mean word.
You can also read it backwards.
No animals were deliberately harmed in the making of this study.
Dammit Randall, beat me to the flowchart this week.
Before you go firing your proton torpedoes into her reactor core, always remember to activate your deflector shield.
...You really can't have any typos.
I used to bite a certain spot on the living room carpet. True story.
Best experienced at 320kbps.
Ladies love a good tuna can.
Did I mention that I'm not a physicist? No? Well then I'm not a physicist.
And it wuvs you.
Also works on halloween, but if you get there late the only thing they have left is Almond Joys.
Fap.
No, see, the joke is that she's concave, not... whatever.
Becoming an adult is realizing that you're still a child, but you can have as many cardboard boxes as you want.
Weekend challenge: submit your favorite compound curse word! Points will be awarded for creativity, effectiveness, and word structure. Winners will be entered into a drawing which will take place on the one millionth unique visitor hit. Start your engines!
You do not truly know someone until you have played Never Have I Ever with them. Then you regret ever becoming friends.
Only disturb a sleeping cat if you're absolutely sure you never want to walk without a crutch again.
I was once combatted via texting by the boyfriend of one of my friends through her phone. After I offered to buy him lunch if he flew over (from 400 miles away), the argument pretty much dissipated.
Before I write comics I am a student, and for this reason I copied yesterday's comic out of sheer academic stress. That's the best excuse I've got, and here's to next week being less shitty.
In other news, 'snortzenfraggle' is a funny word.
Stage 6: starting over
*EDIT* Fixed everything. MY BAD.
DESPERATE PUN FUCK YEAH!
Oh, and... over 9000. Yeah.
I'm posting this one a day late because I fell extremely ill last night and was completely incapable of doing anything short of vomiting correctly. Here's my replacement, and if all goes well I'll upload another on Saturday to make up for the lack of comic yesterday.
Also, thank you to all of you who sent the get-well-soon wishes. I'm feeling much better now.
It's a lot easier than stealing.
Yes, thank God for original sin. It's definitely the thing to do, and you most certainly want to do it. Yes you do.
There really needs to be a class on how to talk to the lesser-geeks.
This is what separates humans from other animals: we go through great lengths to attain breakfast-type foods.
I'm get grumpy when I'm hungry, so just keep me fed, mkay?
True story.
It's like branding but less painful.
"Shit, we forgot about the super rod!"
"No problem, just have it delivered by a crazed Freudian transvestite."
The only reason 'hurl computer out window' isn't on the list is because that can result in fatalities.
It's a slightly more scientific way of saying, "you're a bitch."
It's not necrophilia if you yell, "Surprise!"
Hat tip to Jason Cockrell of The Worst-Case Scenario for raising the question.
Oh, to be dryer-sized again....
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the product of a century of filmmaking.
My space ship is a marker. Your argument is invalid.
I guess he wasn't singular.
Protip: "fishes" is appropriate to use only when you are talking about different species. Same with mice (mouses (both computer-type and squeaky)).
EDIT
Grammar: the reason I should stick to my original script.
Fun fact: almost every time you blame your computer for failing to work properly, it's your own damn fault.
No punchline today. I'm trying out working with a storyline again. Stay tuned.
The Internet is a brutal place, even when you're separated by a 15.4-inch LCD screen.
Lol butts and penises
It's what friends are for: releasing pictures of you with things in your butt into public domain
What they both saw was clearly beyond comprehension.
...and I'd never reach a fullstop!
I'm giving the Source series a little break so I can write the rest of the scripts. Rest assured that it will continue, but I need to write it first.
XX x XX = XY?
WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB
It's a well-known fact that I can't draw. That's why vectors are the shit.
However, It's entirely possible that nobody in the history of ever has failed as hard as you have.
I guess he ended up in a YouTube argument.
Around and around and around they go, where they stop, nobody knows!
Wait, no, that guy knows.
Rest assured, he made it in polynomial time.
...and welcome to YOU!
Wow, I merged the storylines. Who'da thunk it.
Arbitrary units, linear scale.
I know I'm not the only one who sees this. Even Google agrees.
So I had a lot going on today, and no, playing Portal 2 wasn't part of it. In short, one of my good friends graciously filled in for me by sending me this less than 15 minutes later. She wanted a topic, so I told her to involve Aerosols somehow. I'll be back tomorrow, I promise, after I get my goddamn site back from her.
Click the image to view it in full.
NOW I'm playing Portal 2.
No news is good news, Bitchin' Ted.
Hipsters of the world, take note.
DOUCHE uses PIMP SLAP!
WOMAN flinched!
Drunk Dave goes by many other names. Douchebag Dave is one of them.
Step 3 - ?????
Step 4 - Profit
Real men code in Assembly. Legends use machine code.
Joseph Makh, thanks for filling in for me. You are a gentleman and a scholar.
Everyone else, I moved apartments today and was worn out and didn't have an Internet connection set up and I was tired and gross and... you get the picture. I uploaded two today for good measure.
Now we just have to worry about the villain that makes the babies.
"Fuck your penny. That's disgusting."
I don't even know why I'm putting this one up. I tried convincing myself of several reasons, but... no.
Heh... induction.
In other news, I now own a bed! No more sleeping on the floor/couch for me!
Needless to say, it passed the jumpability test with flying colors. And unicorns. Definitely unicorns.
During awkward moments like these, I like to justify the situation by adding on, "SO homo."
Handling exceptions is like Pokemon - gotta catch 'em all!
Also, true story.
Moooooooooooooo...
"I mean, these might sell for a lot on eBay, but... couldn't you have put them in a ziplock bag or something?"
EDIT: "Li" no longer looks like "U." This will come in handy for when I name a character Clint.
Just came back from the Lake Eden Arts Festival, and according to one of my roommates, My face can camouflage itself into the bright red shirt that I'm wearing. Approximately 0% of him is kidding, give or take 0%.
In real life, you have to roll your dice quickly.
LOOK AT ME I'M AN ARTIST
9 out of 10 homeowners agree that wadding is an acceptable way of folding fitted sheets.
Who has two thumbs and can't think of anything better to draw? THIS GUY!
My summer project is making an operating system that handles these situations in the most depressing way possible.
Never accept food from someone who offers you a casserole casserole.
On the other hand, now I'm loaded with computer puns!
It works this way. I promise.
2.67 mm is a huge difference. I care.
I take no responsibility for what you discover this way.
"Yeah? Well at least I don't Alt+Tab through three guys a week!"
"Yeah? Well I'm going to Shift+Del you from my life!"
This was just on my mind, thought I'd share. I PROMISE THIS ISN'T TURNING INTO A BLOG.
It's kind of scary to deviate from the norm.
13. It's your turn to buy bacon.
Remember the buddy system. It's important. What if one of you drowned?
Chances are, you're wrong somewhere.
Man, if everyone who "liked" breast cancer awareness month on Facebook contributed just a dollar toward finding a cure....
Thoughts?
"What's the point in talking to you guys? OH WOW LOOK WHAT I DID SUDDENLY I FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE SITUATION."
What a relief!
Okay, so that's not always what it means, but I like to think on the bright side of things.
58 minutes later its ability to tell time becomes unavailable, and, after 60 seconds of failed attempts, shoots itself in the face.
Sometimes I don't even know either. If virginity had a physical form, I imagine it would look something like that.
Rest in peace, my friend. You were loved and revered by all, and you will always be in our fondest memories.
Look at the center. Now look slightly away. Now back to the center. Now slightly away. See the gray dot? Yeah, I shit bricks every time. Profanely.
"You're good at technology, right?"
"What's with the dead hooker?"
"I SAID I'M FUCKING BUSY!"
Hey, at least I didn't draw a penis this time.
Everyone hates gravity.
EDIT: Whoops, forgot to add labels. IGNORE MY ERRORS.
This is why I'm not a morning person.
Happens all the time.
Reactions like this make me want a manual espresso machine so very very badly.
I didn't misspell it. It's crema. Look it up.
NO!
And to those of you learn how to use explosives by trial and error, congratulations on surviving natural selection.
What kind of person brings that up, anyway?
Thanks, Chrome, for making all 120 of my tabs a separate process. I love you too.
Butt shit.
News flash: my mental stability is questionable.
Fun idea: ultrasound app. Challenge accepted, internet?
IUOEUUUUIUUUUAAEOEU
This is why I suck at sympathy.
What's weird is knowing that you're celebrating the day your parents had sex.
"Wow, enlightenment sure feels a lot like I have to pee!"
FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU
The real art in this is pretending to not acknowledge the other person until just the right time.
Fuck buses.
Hey guys, I'm leaving for New York City tomorrow morning! Whether or not I can push out any comics is completely indeterminate. I will certainly try, but if I am late or miss a day, it is because I am taking a well-deserved break from life by going to one of the most stressful cities in the US. Come say hi if you can find me :)
Whoops, looks like this one's already been done. My bad, C&H!
*sigh*
Sorry for the extremely late update. I blame US Airlines, which in turn blame last night's inclimate weather for my flight from LaGuardia being cancelled, which resulted in me getting on a plane 13+ hours later, after even further delays.
Regardless, I am alive and well, and NYC was awesome. To those of you who requested on the Facebook page for me to visit a place for you in NYC, I will have the photo up soon (hopefully along with a brand-spanking-new blog section). Also, as a token of apologies for the extremely infrequent and sporatic updates, here are some silly alternate punchlines for your enjoyment.
Thanks for putting up with my inconsistencies. It's good to be home!
It's that damn voice that keeps telling me how I shouldn't let strangers touch my bags. And I know how bad they want to. This lack of sleep is catching up for me. Enjoy the WTF. G'night all!
Sometimes I think my intersting-conversation-to-unintersting-conversation ratio would be higher if my mouth didn't say the things my brain remembers.
Elements farther down Group I are the most fun.
Today is SOTI's first birthday! Drinks all around! Coincidentally, it's also QC's 8th birthday! Go and congratulate Jeph on the 8 years of persistence and hard work he has put into making a fantastic web series. Seriously, go send him an email or something.
In short, I'm gonna make a cake.
You'll always be surprised.
If you look at this as though it were a phenotype chart, you shouldn't because that's four alleles.
I think Wink should be a thing. Don't you agree?
I mean, probably.
TO THE WINDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW
I really hope I'm not the first to make a child suffocation comic. That would be a horrible thing to pioneer. Worthwhile, but still horrible.
This bag of Chex Mix no longer has pretzels, but my stomach will have to wait to enjoy it. Sadface.
A big thank-you to Ivan Potter-Smith for guest starring in today's comic! Go check out all of his awesomeness at his site. This one, yes, right here. He's a fantastic artist – a much better one than I could ever be – and has been my friend for many years. Plus, he's a cool guy. And did I mention he has a website?
Imma chill.
IS THAT PEPPER I TASTE???
I hate it when this happens.
Just a few inches from being a cloaca.
I hate it when they break the news to me like this.
I guess her middle name isn't Sanitize. And mine isn't SQL.
Because, you know, we get these mixed up a lot.
My life would be so much better if I had a monocle.
Few things are more satisfying than pounding a big red shiny button at the end of every line.
They also hosted a "First to 100" button–pressing challenge. Chronic Masturbation Chris is the reigning champion with an astounding 6.26 seconds.
It's a lot less funny when you announce what made you laugh. Trust me.
I think this is a problem.
I'm curious, what do you guys do for fun outside? I ride shopping carts!
And that's why this one came out ten hours late.
We also need this at stoplights, but for different reasons.
The best part is, he won't ever have to shave again!
Do work!
Just... no.
Let's just say I had a lot of fun not taking notes in class today. Feel free to comment on the possible plotlines or add your own.
Lysdexia sucks.
THINK ABOUT 'EM. THINK ABOUT 'EM GOOD.
Still a child at heart, evidently.
Free pizza if you can do this.
I can't wait until I learn how to work from the grave in grad school!
WHOOPS.
I'm only officially off the clock when my shirt leaves my pants.
IT REALLY MATTERS AND IS WORTH GETTING UPSET OVER.
They're boring!
Pretty sure this is how it works. I read it online somewhere.
I think Monday is an appropriate night for puns, wouldn't you agree?
SEE? SEE WHAT I DID THERE???
Eddy is a weird name to begin with. Who names their kid Eddy?
Trust me, it works this way.
It's always behind you.
IT WORKS. I FUCKING SWEAR IT DOES.
Too soon?
My boss doesn't like my new lifestyle, but I told him to suck my fucking shit piss dick balls.
500 people can't be wrong... probably.
Feeling mature tonight. Yes I am.
Women, same goes to you with perfume. Stop it. Stop it right now.
I couldn't fathom, either.
Oh bank account. How did you get so small?
In all seriousness, this needs to be a game.
Different nouns work too.
LIKE A PLATE.
That's pretty much all the notes I've taken this semester.
And, of course, when the little orange light comes on you still get about 20 miles to play with.
Fweezle is a splendid name for a rodent, don't you think?
I'm tired. G'night.
Keeping it classy, as always.
By induction, tomorrow will also be a bad day.
All my pants come with instruction sets.
MONSTERS ARE NOT REAL MONSTERS ARE NOT REAL MONSTERS ARE NOT...
Penises are still funny, okay?
GUYS???
Works the same if you replace "Unemployment Rate" with "No Sex"
Tall guy, you're seriously disrupting the text flow of the panels.
TEXT BELOW THE COMIC
Any stories?
Aaaaand g'night.
He might have some trouble with that self-referential pointer.
EDIT: fixed shirt color. WHOOPS.
Who says cells have to be square? Certainly not Bil Keane. Of course, he's not really saying much these days anyway.
I'm a student. I memorize facts and regurgitate them after 4 months. I puke on scantrons.
Sometimes when I'm talking to my friends I'll tell them a really funny story that ends with
"No need to thank me!"
Too late?
Sometimes it's fun to think of jokes for a given punchline. Try it out.
Also, a big thank-you to Ricky Carter for making the drooling guy draggable!
Unfortunately, my brain is wired to think in QWERTY.
The only day of the year when nobody's going to be mad at you for being fat.
This way it would be possible to unsee.
Okay guys, it's dead week at university, so I'm going to be stressing my ass off for the next few days. If I manage to post a comic at all on a given night, it will probably be a one-paneler like this one. After this week, life should be good again, so just hang in there with me.
Why spend billions making a pen that will write in space when a pencil will do the trick?
So, bicycles and green transportation and space pencils, huh guys?
Or maybe this is my uncaffeinated brain trying its best to think.
I've never heard a story about how someone horribly lost an argument. Not a good story, mayhaps?
Mythbusters caused collateral damage yesterday with a misfired cannon. Pretty sure this is how they reacted.
Also, exams suck.
Oh, outdoors. What great graphics you have.
Mamas always know best.
Hey! I'm not dead! I like to think I was pretty close, but more importantly I'm not dead! Yay life!
It was probably the quickest way, at least.
Do first, ask for forgiveness later.
Ahhhh, I've tapped back into my distasteful side. Feels good to be back.
This will either improve people's lives or drive the suicide rate among iPhone users through the roof.
On top of that, I can drink now! Mazel tov!
This happened to me over the holidays. Not that it's inexcusable - she was locked in that room for four days with no food or water when my parents went out of town. I don't think she'll make the same mistake of exploring the house again.
Good to be back, guys, and I hope you guys had a fantastic new year. I got a new computer, so soon I will have it set up to resume the regular comics. Enjoy the sketches in the meantime!
This is kind of how I feel about a lot of my ideas.
"We should make elevators that go all the way through the earth! It would make travel so much faster!"
"TVs should really come with a touch screen."
"Hey, let's listen to Yellowcard!"
When observed, humans occupy time at a constant rate. The function for apparent time elapsed correlates directly with the amount of coffee in one's system, thus dilating it.
I'm not allowed in public anymore.
Speaking of doing stupid shit like drawing blanks, try tasting your tongue.
Just like everybody does at some point, I was pretty unmotivated and depressed for the past week or so. Since I do not tolerate that quality of myself, I made this list. Life is better now.
Stop Internet Censorship
Vertical axis arbitrarily linear.
Served cold.
I don't speak in public for this reason.
Who knew a portafilter could be such an effective weapon? By golly, I'm glad I found out!
Maybe it's just human nature to complain about shit. I dunno, I'm not an anthropologist.
I much prefer thinking inside the giant hamster ball.
Aaaaaaaand politics!
So the question is, did he punch his reflection in the face, or himself?
HAHA GET IT GET IT?
“Also, the gravity switch was broken.”
And just you try to give him permission to execute.
Network Security: Hard Mode
There's really no convenient time to deal with it anyway.
In unrelated news, we have a new record-holder for largest display of fan art. You may consider that a challenge.
Teachers take note: this would make learning stuff like this so much more interesting.
“The real question is, how are you standing on this wall?”
Mythbusters, let's see you try this one.
True wisdom is sometimes kinda stupid.
It happens. Sometimes
I tried to find clothing that fits my stature, and unfortunately I forgot how impossible that was.
Let's just say I'd be better off shopping in the women's section.
I never actually got used to that feature.
WHAT IS THIS AND WHAT AM I DOING WITH IT.
In other news, I have typing shyness.
OH NO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
Playing Minecraft kinda makes you want to go the other way.
“Zoom out!”
Should've expected something like that.
Few things are more humbling than making out with your enemy.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
#I can ride my mustache with no handlebars.
No handlebars
No handlebars#
Good to be back, guys.
I have nothing valuable to say here. Tampons hold a lot of liquid.
Age Two: Cassette Hacker
Level: oops
The only people who throw magnets are the kinds of people who cheat at Horseshoes.
Somehow, it's supposed to relieve stress. Someone wanna explain this?
Software development is kinda like this, but sadly more effective.
A HA HA HA.
It's actually quite fun.
Look, it's open source and everything.
In reality, you really don't write code. You just talk about it a lot.
This is also a perfect example of how to not position your computer, unless glare gives you a raging hard-on.
Wallpaper-sized, by request.
YOU'VE BEEN A WONDERFUL AUDIENCE THANK YOU
It's been one of those days.
Might as well just wear a helmet made of Mylar
I hate it when I have a great joke line up and all of a sudOOPS
Love your enemies and you won't have any.
They come before many things. Mostly women.
HEY-O!
I might have crossed some kind of border here.
HA HA GET IT?
Helk.
I hope everyone's Bunny Day was enjoyable. I hid uncooked, whole eggs around my apartment for my roommates to find. Best of luck, guys.
I've learned that, in general, this kind of language is frowned upon.
In all honesty, I really don't mind it, but I can guarantee that my answer won't be completely honest.
For added fun, truncate all your words!
Countless hours later, here is the new site design. Enjoy 'n' stuff!
Not pictured: Netscape, SeaMonkey, Epiphany, Konquerer, Midori, Voyager, Amaya...
Mom said play outside, so I got an extension cord and invited the neighborhood kids to play Call of Duty with me.
Woo John Travolta!
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH
404: Comic not found
Relatives.
Poor choices in facial hair are a top killer of potential relationships and hookups. Trust me on this one.
Thank goodness for repositories. Kinda.
If that is ever said to me on the phone, I will.
It may burn, but holy hell does it make them shine!
This is something I'll never understand: why does eye contact with a stranger make people so uncomfortable?
One day I'll get ahead of it... one day....
Thanks to all the previous hype, it was exactly as I expected it to be: extremely entertaining.
Derp, cat nipples, derp.
Discounts are given to customers who can withstand the two-hour interrogation period.
On the other hand, it would be like having a persistent strobe light. Hmm. Tempting.
This might just be the kid in me talking, but I think this would be fun.
What a square.
<_<
Our friends in England will have to flip this sideways. And add a traffic circle. Sorry guys #notactuallysorryatallsosuckonit
Do what makes you happy, but don't make other people unhappy.
Lessons learned the hard way: don't move when there's a fucking needle in your fucking arm.
Brought to you by my kind of retarded roommates.
...thud?
Pro tip: DnD stories are rarely, if ever, fun to listen to, no matter how interesting you try to make it.
The last one is for compact vehicles.
All tried and tested, for science.
Empirically tested, Science approved.
No date AND no coffee? Double ouch. Guess it's time to attempt autoamory.
If that's not a word yet, I call dibs on it.
Bonus points if it's a JPEG.
This is a great prank to play on someone, but you didn't hear that from me.
Note the correct use of the comparison, "[adjective] as Hell."
Welcome to Wonderland, I guess?
Balancing fun is a careful art. You can't have too much or you'll grow up too fast. Because that's how time works.
In related news, my improv team is going to NYC for the Del Close Marathon! Come see me if you guys are in the area this Sunday!
Ever take a step back from whatever you're doing and just say, "damn, I really don't want a popsicle right now?"
So, I am leaving for NYC today and won't be back for about a week. Regular comics will resume then. Also, I'm so pumped about this trip you have no idea. I mean, if you can see how much I've wet my pants in anticipation, you might.
I'm pretty sure the time I spent in the car and actually enjoying the city were about comparable. Anyway, good to be back!
Nobody applauds when I say hello. Hmf.
I've been sitting on this one for so long it's not even funny.
To be honest, I can't walk on it either.
A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HARDY HARDY HAR.
Kinda makes you wonder if you'd get along with you.
Just wait for evolution to take effect....
Thank Facebook for propagating these shits.
Need I mention the tear-jerking commercials with sad-looking puppies and soulful music?
Nobody in the gym's locker room appreciates this, even if it is warranted.
It sucks.
Just let your eyes glaze over and watch the mindless automatons....
Mmmmm... triple McWhopLard....
Thank God this isn't the case. If it were, just think of how crazy our lives would OOH LASER!
I know, words are sounds whose associations are more or less arbitrary with their meanings, but I'm not going to let you get away with calling everything a toothbrush just because you can.
Yay! I'm two years old! This site, that is.
If pumas are the same as mountain lions, is 10.1 the same operating system as 10.8?
THINK ABOUT IT.
IGNORE THE CONTRADICTION.
In other news, celebrity name change. Go figure.
Besides cat videos, this is the real purpose of the Intertubes.
Typebars notwithstanding, a good old fashioned typewriter will never let you down. Ask any hipster.
Fuck it. I'm making my life feel as fun and therefore short as possible
I kinda wish I had the time I spent reading about it back, except I was running really fast.
This week I start my last year of college. If I die, oh well.
Those people who are good at violence would really pack a wallop.
It's pronounced, "gay sauce." /joke
Poop. Heehee.
Pouch isn't really a dick, technically speaking.
I'm being really mature this week. Crotches lol.
I don't anticipate the point in my life when I realize that I've lost my mind. Unless maybe it's now. OH GOD.
Looks like his left hand is facing some jail time.
Thinking about it, a stadium full of people giving each other high fives may not be as loud, but it'll definitely be awesome.
Or, y'know, commit often, branch, push, whatever.
Angry Face because I can't think of a single place I wouldn't photoshop it into.
Your kids are going to try planking. Tell them about the dangers.
This is a partial collection of doodles I've drawn during (instead of?) class. I promise I'm getting good grades, mom and dad.
Hakuna Ma-fucking-tata, life.
I've had no opportunity to use this one in real life. You're welcome.
Looking through my class notes, a good 40-50% of them are random doodles. I even found some from two years ago. It's just a shame they were in pencil and are now crudely smudged.
I hate it when I'm getting my picture taken and suddenly my arms.
He's probably one bitch of a back-seat pilot.
I'll never understand what compels us to wander aimlessly while engrossed in phone conversation. It brings me back to the days of phones with cords. Oh, how our wandering range was limited.
This is a thing. Seriously. A delicious, not-that-uncommon-outside-the-US thing.
Man, nothing tops a week of endless stress better than starting the next week off feeling sick as hell. C'est la vie.
Heh... "Beating around the bush."
Let's just say I stall out a lot at intersections.
11. If you try it again, it only lasts a few years and is even more unbearable.
Woop.
As a stretch, you could use this as a metaphor for the upcoming presidential election.
Two lessons: don't kill your relatives and don't tell people to kill their relatives. Listening, big guy?
Technically, the poops can happen at any time, so be prepared, fellow coffee freaks.
Let's face it: decades from now, this will be the modern-day equivalent of The Electric Slide.
GUYS THIS COULD BE A THING. THEY COULD HAVE HANDS. GUYS?
When you're educated in an environment that doesn't require social skills, you have to find some ways to learn to cope with the hardships of the real world somehow.
Something about this election tells me that a candidate will win.
This is more or less how I remember growing up.
Cliche, existential, whatever. Things are all right.
Seriously, if you have to check your phone while peeing, you need to straighten out some of your priorities.
If you need six cardboard sleeves to keep the styrofoam cup from burning your hand, your coffee is too hot. If you wait twenty minutes and still suffer third-degree burns on your tongue from sipping it, your coffee is too hot. When Paris Hilton won't describe it as "hott" because her mouth is on fire, your coffee is too hot. If you prepare your coffee with magma, your coffee is too hot.
Think about that, Dunkin Donuts.
I think that's a lung. Or a spleen.
Either way, this has been how I've spent the last week - coughing incessantly, dripping a gallon of snot a minute, and otherwise not feeling that great. I'm mostly back, save for the phlegm I have yet to cough out of my lungs, but I should be in good working order in... well, soon.
This is one of those jokes I've been sitting on for months without an outlet. You're welcome.
For the first time in almost 20 years, I went to the hospital this weekend. This was the most fun part of my adventure.
HURR DURR POOP JOKE
YUM, DELICIOUSLY BAD JOKES!
“Shut up! It was an anniversary gift!”
“And for my next trick, I'll... guys? Guys?”
Funny how when tails are attached to your ass they're cool, but when they're on the back of your head people look at you weird. Or maybe it's just me.
Don't watch Pink Flamingos. Do watch Life Is Beautiful.
Windows doesn't make it easy to remove, and even more so to reinstall.
“...Infinity-one! Infinity-two! Infinity...”
I'm going to die. I'm going to get shot. Totally worth it.
I'm trying this new thing called not being completely offensive. Not sure if I hit the mark or not.
I don't know where I heard this, but I'm going to accept it as fact. Spread the word.
I am not a smart man, but I do know what words is.
I have yet to see a mathematician draw a box on someone after winning an argument, but I don't think that's entirely implausible.
:)
Feels good.
